How O’Grinchy Stole Shark Tank

I hope you enjoy this re-telling of the classic Christmas story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. My thanks to Mark Burginger of Qubits Toys for the image and apologies to Dr. Suess!

How O’Grinchy Stole Shark Tank

Every entrepreneur
in the Shark Tank
liked entrepreneurship a lot

But O’Grinchy
Who was a Shark in the tank
He did not.

O’Grinchy hated entrepreneurs! The whole start-up system!
Now please, don’t ask for reasons, for we might have to list them.
It could be, perhaps, his wallet was too tight.
Or maybe the stock market didn’t close high that night.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
was he hated seeing entrepreneurs walk down that hall!

But
Whatever the reason,
his wallet or stocks,
He sat every Friday, sometimes hating the “props.”
Staring down from his perch, with his O’Grinchy frown,
At the glow of TV’s in American towns.
For he knew every fan was mild and tame
Even though they’d be playing the Shark Tank Drinking Game!

“Fans are Tweeting opinions!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Shark Tank’s on tomorrow, it’s practically here!”
Then he hissed, with his O’Grinchy hands coolly drumming,
“I must stop the Holiday Episode from coming!”
For at show time he knew…

All the Tanktrepreneurs
Would start begging for money, and rush Barb and the boys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Entrepreneurs, young and old, would step in and plead.
And they’d plead! And they’d plead!
And they’d PLEAD! PLEAD! PLEAD! PLEAD!
And they’d start in on him. And Robert. And Barb.
Then to Cuban, Daymond & Lori. It’s HARD!

And THEN
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every entrepreneur, the tall and the small,
Would huddle together, their T-Mobile phones ringing,
They’d stand up before him and start the bulls__t slinging!

They’d sling! And they’d sling!
AND they’d SLING! SLING! SLING! SLING!

The more O’Grinchy thought of  entrepreneur whiners
The more he thought “I’ll ship manufacturing to China!”
“Why for four TV seasons I’ve put up with it now,
I must stop the holiday episode from airing,
but how?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
O’Grinchy
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” O’Grinchy Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a WONDERFUL trick!
“With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is some money”
O’Grinchy looked around.
But since money is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old O’Grinchy…?
“No!” The Shark simply said,
“If I can’t find some money, I’ll steal it instead!”
So he called up his banker. Took a bat from his shed
And he thumped him with it on the top of his head.

THEN
He filled up some bags
With his new found pile of cash
Called up a cab
And said “time to take out the trash!”

Then O’Grinchy said, “Downtown!”
And the cab started swaying
Toward the hotel where the
Shark Tank entrepreneurs were staying

Their hotel rooms were dark. Silent dread filled the air.
The entrepreneurs were dreaming of funding with care
When he came to the first suite of rooms by the stairs.
“This is stop number one,” Old O’Grinchy Claus hissed
And he jimmied the door, bag of cash in his fists.

Then he slid in the doorway. Feeling a bit flinchy.
But if Burnett could do it, then so could O’Grinchy.
He got scared only once, for a moment or two.
When he tripped over Dominique Barteet’s Onesole Shoe.
The entrepreneur’s products were in a neat little row,
“These trinkets,” he growled, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, and let out a small growl
As he snatched up some Kisstix and a pink Show No Towel.
Vinamors! Scrub Daddies! Qubits Toys too!
Chord Buddies! Plate Toppers! (But not Toygaroo)
And he stuffed them in bags. Jammed them in with his cash,

Then O’Grinchy went to the mini fridge to increase his stash!

Then he grabbed Painted Pretzels! He found Talbott’s Tea.
He left THAT behind, thinking “that tastes good to me!”
He cleaned out that mini fridge as quick as a burglar.
Why, O’Grinchy even took their last CBS Foods Shrimp Burger!

Then he stuffed all the food in his cash bags with glee.
“And NOW!” said O’Grinchy, “For the Living Christmas Tree!”

“NOW!” grinned O’Grinchy, “I will take out this tree!”
Then he heard a small sound, just a wee little crack,
He turned around fast, and he saw a man’s back!
It was Donny McCall, the guy who made Invis-A-Rack!

O’Grinchy didn’t believe what he could see
Donny’d just woken up for some PRO NRG.
He stared at O’Grinchy and said, “Santy Claus, why,
Why are you taking our Shark Tank Stuff? WHY?”

But, you know, old O’Grinchy was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my young entrepreneur,” the fake Santy Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this Drivesuit that won’t light on one side.
I’ll take to my factory in China, never fear.
I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”

And his fib fooled McCall. Then he patted his head
And he got him his drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Donny was tucked away with his protein drink bottle,
O’Grinchy hopped in his cab, and took off FULL THROTTLE!

The last thing he took was
Was the tub of Back-9 Dips
He ate it while driving at a fairly good clip
With Wired Waffles, Fat Ass Fudge, and a box of Ice Chips.

And the one thing he left
For young Donny all right
Was an EZ VIP pass that expired LAST NIGHT!

Then
He did the same thing
In other entrepreneur’s rooms.

Leaving nothing
but Bag Bowls
and some Sweepeasy brooms.

It was quarter past dawn…
Entrepreneurs, still a-bed
Entrepreneurs, still a-snooze
When he packed up his cab “sled,”
Packed up their Tippi Toes! And Sneakers from The AVE Venice!
Tower Paddle Boards! Profenders! GoGo Gear! What a MENACE!

To the hills of LA, He rode in his cab.
“Pooh-pooh entrepreneurs!” he was O’Grinch-ish-ly Lording,
“They’ll find  out how it feels to be just like Scott Jordan!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the entrepreneurs in the Shark Tank will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned O’Grinchy,
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And O’Grinchy put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the show.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at LA!
O’Grinchy popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every entrepreneur, the tall and the small,
Was working their business! Some without funding at all!
He HADN’T stopped the Holiday Special from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And O’Grinchy, with his Shark Tank loot and cash piled up to his knee,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “Are they dead to me?
It came without Daymond! It came without Barb!
It came without Robert, or Lori or Mark!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then O’Grinchy thought of something maybe he didn’t know!
“Maybe entrepreneurship doesn’t come from a reality show.
“Maybe entrepreneurs like to make their businesses grow!”

And what happened then…?
Well…in the Shark Tank they say
That O’Grinchy scored big
With gold futures that day!
And the minute his wallet didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his fortune through the bright morning light
And he funded some businesses, in the great entrepreneurial din
And he…

…HE HIMSELF…!
O’Grinchy was FINALLY “IN!”

Merry Christmas Shark Tank Fans!

Rob Merlino

Entrepreneur, auteur, raconteur. Rob Merlino is a blogger and writer who enjoys the Shark Tank TV show and Hot Dogs. A father of five who freelances in a variety of publications, Rob has a stable of websites including Shark Tank Blog, Hot Dog Stories, Rob Merlino.com and more.